Nursing Home Humor

Jail vs Nursing Home

In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope
of ever getting out.

Justice for all.

Driving Us Crazy!!

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were
sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"
said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even
see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced
an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

My parents are getting old and sick. I think I might have to put them in a nursing home. I feel really bad, though, because I live with my parents and I don't want to live in a nursing home. – Comedian Dan Mintz

Upright & Uptight

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

Worried Sick

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one
of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're
in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major
worry."Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm
afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Wake Up & Smell The.......

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home."Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old."No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.

"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"

The Top 5 Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
2. Defibrillator doubles as a remote control.
3. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
4. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
5. Two words: Community Bedpan.

Retire to a Holiday Inn!!

Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as
everyone does when they hit 45. I saw an article about nursing and retirement
homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my
plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a
better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior
discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast,
lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave
enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a
swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get
free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a
customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus
will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on
Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one
of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent
nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation
today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to
Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs
need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and
apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily
room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the
undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for
the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your
life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit
you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the
pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits
that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers,
reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.
After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone
calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and
exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on
the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free
program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner
with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you
company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about
unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go,
the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in
your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your
electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on
duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility
of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of
us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We
could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! "So, when I reach the
golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the
Holiday Inn!"

3 Nurses and a Wish

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewelry.

"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me cocoa and donuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.

The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

The Famous Man

On day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him].

One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" and the old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."

Whatcha Talkin' About??!!

Three retirees who lived together at a local nursing home, each with a hearing loss, were playing mini-golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "its Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Hanging Out With Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?'

To Be or Not To Be.....Wearing Clothes

Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn’t get the attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea. “Why don’t we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room?” The second woman agreed that this might work.

The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.

One man turned to the other and said, “Joe, was that Irma that just ran past us?” The other one said, “I think so, but what the hell was she wearing?”

The first one said, “I don’t know, but it sure needs ironing!”

Question: What's the most popular bra size in a nursing home?

Answer: 36 long

Do You Hear What I Hear

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"

Funeral Arrangements

An old man, Mr.Smith, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Smith, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Smith, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Smith was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Smith," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Smith, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

It's Never to Early To Start Planning